Facebook: It's None of Your Business

Thursday was the one year anniversary of my boyfriend and me beginning our relationship. A lot has happened in a year, particularly, a lot has happened in this last week. Life changing stuff. It really showed me how grateful I am to have him in my life and how much love is in our relationship. Among other things, one of my boyfriend’s best friends was in a horrible car accident a few nights ago, leaving him near death. He is currently on life support and no one is really sure what is going to happen. Especially when something like this happens to a young person, it forces us to look at our lives and realize that anything could happen. Yet, why do we have to be faced with tragedy in order to appreciate the lives we have? We live in a world of comparison. If someone else’s life is horrible, we compare ourselves and say, hey, I don’t have it so bad. If someone else’s life is amazing, we compare ourselves and say, hey, why the fuck can’t I have that?

Another thing that this tragedy has made me keenly aware of, is how much I hate insincerity. And I vow to forever be sincere. Most people cling to drama, or they are attracted to it- the whole cliché about how when there is a car accident, we all slow down, trying to figure out what happened. I do it too- but at least I’m aware that is what I’m doing. I don’t kid myself that I am really slowing down because I’m concerned about the people and intend to help the situation. I mean, of course I care, but the main thing is knowing what happened, so you can report back to all your friends, or so you can have something to post on facebook. As an avid facebooker, for the first time, I’m actually questioning whether technology is a good thing. My boyfriend’s friend is hanging on by a thread, and facebook is splattered with it. Was it better when facebook didn’t exist? It seems like it cheapens it, takes something away from how tragic it really is, how solumn it should be. Am I wrong to say that? OF COURSE, his close friends and family have every right to put whatever they want on facebook. But I’m seeing eons of people commenting about him, or on his page, stating that they are visiting him in the hospital, or they intend to. Please, don’t take this the wrong way. Support is wonderful. But I know that if it were me in the hospital, I would only want my closest friends and family there to support me. I wouldn’t want every person I graduated high school with thinking that they have a place in the ICU as I am fighting for my life (not to mention the unnecessary germs they would bring in with them). It goes back to my whole frove (a TRUE friend that you love and that loves you) thing. A frove is there for you on any ordinary day, to help you when they don’t want to, with stupid shit or to listen to you complain or cry. Everyone and anyone can pop out of the woodwork when tragedy arises.

My boyfriend is extremely close childhood friends with his friend who is in the hospital and so of course, I have spent plenty of time with him myself. Yet, I don’t feel comfortable putting anything on facebook about him. I feel like, who the fuck am I to comment on it? I am undoubtedly in shock and extremely sad over the situation but it certainly isn’t my place to be grieving, or to be taking up someone else’s space or time in the hospital.

So, although he is in my thoughts and prayers, I am not going to comment on facebook about how horrible it is or how I hope he pulls through. Instead, in honor of his life, I am going to take these life changes that have happened to me, the same ones I’ve been miserable and depressed about, and I’m going to celebrate them. Because although my life might not be what I imagined, it’s life nevertheless.

Jesus was a Yogi!

I came across this article today on Yahoo and it made me angry in so many ways. If you dare read it here is the link. If you happened to be a yogi/yogini or particularly a yoga teacher who digs Jesus, I must warn you, your blood will boil. (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20101007/ap_on_re/us_rel_southern_baptists_yoga).

Basically, this man who is the “Southern Baptist Seminary President”, Albert Mohler, claims that yoga goes against Christianity. What I loathe most in life is when people claim things—in the name of Jesus Christ—that go completely against what Jesus stood for. You would think, in his high position (which by the way, did Jesus even believe in a hierarchy?), that he would know the bible front to back. But if he did, and truly comprehended what Jesus stood for, he would have come to the same conclusion that I have come to: Jesus was a yogi! Instead, this man feels threaten by the mere thought that people can find their spirituality in something other than Christianity, thus trying to exert control over his “Christians” by claiming yoga should not be practiced if you consider yourself Christian. Well, Albert Mohler, let me begin by educating you.

There are six branches of yoga:

• Hatha- This includes the physical poses and meditation that help to purify your body and mind.
• Raja- This is about the path to self-respect. It is all about honoring yourself and what you give to the universe.
• Karma- Deals with the principle that what we do today will influence our happiness in the future. Thus we should be selflessly devoted to helping others.
• Bhakti- This branch is about your path to devotion. It stresses seeing the unity and divine in all beings. Of course this includes loving God having tolerance for others.
• Jnana- Deals with intellect and being accepting of all philosophies and religions.
• Tantra- Most commonly understood, it is really about the path of ritual and regular spiritual practice.

Mohler said in this article that yoga practitioners who consider themselves Christian “must either deny the reality of what yoga represents or fail to see the contradictions between their Christian commitments and their embrace of yoga." Really? Let’s take a second look at those branches of yoga.

• Hatha- This includes the physical poses and meditation that help to purify your body and mind. Meditation is all throughout the Bible. Jesus often led crowds and his apostles into the wilderness for the purpose of spiritual meditation. Is it not mediation when Jesus communicates with God? Also, we are told to meditate on the Word (Ps 1:2 and Ps 119:97) Another example is in Genesis (24:63) Isaac goes out to the fields in the evening to meditate, etc.
• Raja- This is about the path to self-respect. It is all about honoring yourself and what you give to the universe. Jesus says, in the Gospel of Thomas: If those who lead you say to you, "Look, the Kingdom is in the sky," then the birds will get there first. If they say "It is in the ocean," then the fish will get there first. But the Kingdom of God is within you and outside of you. Once you come to know yourselves, you will become known. And you will know that it is you who are the children of the living Father.”
• Karma- Deals with the principle that what we do today will influence our happiness in the future. Thus we should be selflessly devoted to helping others. Jesus practically invented karma yoga! We all know the famous quote, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” (Matthew 7:12)
• Bhakti- This branch is about your path to devotion. It stresses seeing the unity and divine in all beings. Of course this includes loving God having tolerance for others. Jesus said, in Mark 12:28-31 that the most important 2 commandments are to love God and others and if you do this all the other commandments are a given. Of course he believed in tolerance! In Luke 5:31 He even said that the sick are the ones that we need to tolerate more than anyone. How about Matthew 5:43-45? "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you."
• Jnana- Deals with intellect and being accepting of all philosophies and religions. “Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence. Love others as well as you love yourself.” (Matthew 34:40) Also, see the references above for Bhakti yoga, they apply here as well.
• Tantra- Most commonly understood, it is really about the path of ritual and regular spiritual practice. Christians NEVER follow ritual, do they? HA. Everything about Christianity deals with ritual and regular spiritual practice! Communion, saying the Lord’s prayer, etc. Speaking of the Lord’s prayer, that is exactly like the chanting people do during yoga. One of the most common phrases that is chanted is “Loka samasta shukino bhavantu” which translates to “let all beings in the world be happy and at peace”. Would you honestly say that Jesus would object?

Another thing Mohler said was that “people have written him to say they're simply doing exercises and forgoing yoga's eastern mysticism and meditation” and if that’s the case then he claims they are simply not doing yoga. First of all, as listed above there are 6 branches of yoga and you can certainly practice hatha yoga (physical poses) without the spirituality and enlightenment that comes with the other branches. You do not need to get into the spirituality. Even still, very few individuals in the world, dead or alive, have ever been able to achieve a successful path in all 6 branches, except for perhaps Jesus and other prophets. In addition, can Mohler actually claim that there is no “mysticism” in Christianity? Jesus walked on water, turned water into wine, rose from the dead, etc. We are supposed to emulate him and strive for the likeness of him, aren’t we? So as a Christian, wouldn’t you hope to attain a level of spirituality with God and Jesus that perhaps is mystical? What is wrong with mystical?

Dictionary.com defines “mystic” as the following:

1. involving or characterized by esoteric, otherworldly, or symbolic practices or content, as certain religious ceremonies and art; spiritually significant; ethereal.
2. of the nature of or pertaining to mysteries known only to the initiated: mystic rites.
3. of occult character, power, or significance: a mystic formula.
4. of obscure or mysterious character or significance.
5. of or pertaining to mystics or mysticism.

Isn’t God a mystery? If God wasn’t a mystery, than we wouldn’t need to “have faith” like so many religions tell us.

So, please, in the name of Jesus Christ, I beg you: Do not be fooled by people such as Mr. Mohler. Jesus disapproved of hypocrites worse than anyone. "Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you hypocrites; as it is written: 'These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me.’” (Mark 7:6) So, Mr. Mohler, Mr. Southern Baptist Seminary President, next time you think of condemning something that is so beautiful and peaceful and beneficial to the world as yoga, I’d like you to ask yourself: What Would Jesus Do??

What makes musicians so F*n HOT?

Why is that a man can be ugly as sin, but if he sings well, strokes that guitar like a pro, slaps the bass like he means it, he hits those drums like no body’s business, suddenly, BAM, you want a piece of that. I mean, Billy Jo Armstrong is my number one and let’s face it, he’s not really gorgeous. But, God, how little that matter when he’s rocking out on stage. Is it the same for women? I’m not sure it is. Is it the music that makes us wild? You don’t see guys screaming and passing out when a woman is a great musician. Do you? Please, give me some feedback on this one.

Let’s take a look at the ugliest male musicians who woman go crazy for.

1) Mic Jagger.
2) Steven Tyler
3) Ringo Starr
4) Keith Richards
5) Gene Simmons
6) Chad Kroeger
7) Michael Jackson (Not Young MJ)
8) Kid Rock
9) Jay Z
10) David Bowie

Here are some fugly female musicians but I doubt the men go crazy for them:

1) Amy Winehouse
2) Pink
3) Fantasia (If you can call her a musician)
4) Barbara Streisand
5) Fergie (UGH)
6) Cher
7) Gwen Stefani
8) Lady Gaga

There are many more in both categories, but add to my list! Tell me about some ugly musicians that you would totally bang!

BAD EXES, GOOD MUSIC

We all have those days where we think about our past and wonder, why did we have to go through that? Why couldn’t we just bypass all the bad ones and just meet the right person from the start? Oh sure, they all say it’s about life lessons, relationship strategies, learning how to get along with different people, but I’ve decided, that’s not it at all— it’s really for the music. Thus, I’ve compiled a list of all the bands that I am very grateful to have been exposed to by my exes. So instead of the usual fuck you, I say, thank you! Thank you exes, for without which I might never be rocking out to the following bands.

The Dork Who Somehow Managed to Break My Heart:

• The Used. In my top 5 favorite bands ever.
• Taking Back Sunday.

The Long Term Guy Who Can’t Commit To Wiping His Own Ass:

• Pink Floyd.
• Pearl Jam. Pearl Jam, in my top 5 favorite bands as well.

Summer Love That Never Happened:

• The Foo Fighters.
• Tenacious D. God, I Love Jack Black.
  

It’s Never Good To Date Your Best Friend’s Brother:

• I don’t know if he introduced to me to any music, however, he got me into Chuck Palahniuk who is now one of my favorite authors!

Broke Up With Me On An 8 Hour Flight (in the first 30 minutes):

• Lily Allen.

The Artist Who Could Never See Himself Loving Me:

• Jack Johnson. Ah, Jack. Love him.

Psycho Stalker Who Doesn’t Have “No” In His Vocab:

• Oh, he didn’t listen to music. Should have been my first clue!

Long Term #2, The Catholic who calls Buddhists Violent:

• Dave Matthews Band.

I Was His Secret:

• Stirred up my old love for Third Eye Blind.

The Guy Who Puts Up With Me Every Day:

• The Kooks.
• Coconut Records.
• Brand New.
• Ludo.
• Jack’s Mannequin. Shaping up to be one of my favorites.
  

So next time you are wondering why the hell you had to go through all these pricks, just remember, even if it’s one song, at least you got something out of the fuckers!

Your BFF Is Just Not That Into You

We all have ways to cope with romantic relationship break-ups. There are tons of books out there (i.e. He’s Just Not That Into You, It’s Called A Break-Up Because It’s Broken, It’s A Break-Up Not a Break Down, Etc.) But what about when it’s NOT your lover that breaks up with you, but rather, it’s your friend.You know, the ones that are supposed to last forever. Isn't it "Friends are forever, lovers come and go?” We never expect friendships to end, but sometimes, they do. And sometimes they are bad break-ups, worse and more hurtful than romantic ones.

One of my froves and her very close friend had a break-up last week. It really got me thinking, and remembering my worst friendship break up, which I still think about and overanalyze years later. We have all these expectations in friendships and we assume the other person understands these expectations. And when they don’t, it breaks your heart. We assume that if they have a problem, or if you don’t meet their expectations, they’ll come to you. And when they don’t, it breaks your heart. In these times when things fall apart, you hope to talk it over and work it out and sometimes you do. But what about those times that it doesn’t work out? When suddenly things are said that could never be taken back?(See A Nice Place to Visit Entry) You'll never feel the same about them, and they about you.

I was broken up with by my BFF almost 3 years ago. Before the break-up happened, I felt that things were different. We were both going through some changes in our lives and perhaps that is what put the wedge there. But suddenly, my BFF didn’t want to be my friend anymore. And she was an amazing friend. The best. There was nothing she wouldn’t do for me or me for her. She was everything you could ask for in a friend and then some. I never in my life imagined us not being friends. But after a while of feeling the distance, I confronted her (through an email which I regret not talking face to face) and the response was more or less that she thought I had changed and that she couldn’t ignore some of the changes.

Whatever those changes were I would have done anything to take them back. I would have turned back time to make it right. And it was worse than a romantic break-up. When I went through my horrible romantic break-up, SHE was the one I could cry to and be comforted by. But you can’t cry to your BFF about HER, especially when your BFF doesn’t even want to be your F.

I know I’ve made mistakes, maybe I’m too judgmental, too protective, maybe I don’t know how to lay off with certain subjects and for that I was sorrier that she’ll ever know. Maybe after having my heart pureed and ingested by my ex-boyfriend, I did adopt an attitude I hadn’t had in the past. But my feelings for her never changed. There is a whole there that will never be replaced and there is rarely a day where I don’t think about her and our break-up and wish we were back together.

So ultimately I think there are two questions here. One is, can these break-ups be avoided? If you are that close with someone, shouldn’t you try everything to make it right? I think the key is catching it BEFORE it turns into a break-up. I wish my ex-BFF would have told me the way she was feeling right away, before she started avoiding me and acting distant. Maybe then we could have talked through it and fixed it. But it got to the point where it turned into a “confrontation” and that rarely works out for the relationship. Which leads me to question number two: After a confrontation such as ours, could you ever be friends again?

My frove and her friend’s break-up (the catalyst for this entire entry) might have also been avoided if things were talked about earlier and if things had been said in a different manner. But I don’t believe they will ever be able to work it out after the things that were said. Maybe I’m wrong. Who knows.

Regardless, I urge you, if you have a true frove, “BFF”, or whatever you call them, and you aren’t feeling the same about the friendship, TALK to them. Talk to them NICELY. Try to preserve the friendship because true friendships don’t come along very often and that’s why when it’s over it leaves you in pieces.

Penne Vodka & Ice Cream Cake

As my birthday approaches, I ask myself, what is it that I want this year? My last three birthdays have been beyond horrible. Apparently, the time for ending relationships is exactly on my birthday. So this year, all I'd like is a good dinner, a tasty dessert and being around my froves. But what do we all really crave on our birthdays? We all start thinking about the years and wondering what it is exactly that we have to show for them. It'd be awesome if I woke up and on my pillow was a perfectly wrapped box with a big purple bow that contained the purpose for my life inside. "Thank you God, that's exactly what I wanted!"

So, what is my purpose? Yea, yea, I make a decent living. I bring yoga and pilates to people, I work for an amazing doctor, I have a great family, good froves. I have my MFA in creative writing, I wrote a novel, I'm in two bands, I'm learning Polish, my music single is about to be released (shameless plug www.facebook.com/tonirosemusic) but why is it that NONE of that makes me feel like I have purpose? If I died tomorrow, would any of this matter? So I pray for my single to hit #1, my book to become published. But then I wonder, is that really going to bring me the sense of purpose that I desire? If I had a #1 single, would I suddenly have purpose in my life? People all over America singing my tune, and suddenly, I matter. I don’t think it works that way.

What is it then that really gives us purpose? Love? Family? I have no husband, no children. Everyone around me is married, having babies, buying homes, etc. I feel like they have purpose. But then today, my friend posted on facebook that being married and having a house doesn’t give her INDIVIDUAL purpose. And I realized; she’s right. For some, children might bring you purpose, but what if you don’t have or don’t want children? Even if you do, what about what you do YOURSELF, not who you love or who you take care of, but what YOU bring to the WORLD. Not all of us can change the universe; but what can we do to make ourselves feel like better people?

Most of the people I know who do feel like they have a sense of purpose, are very religious. They do volunteer work, donate money, etc. But does that give them purpose or are they really just trying to make up for something else? When I was with my ex-boyfriend, I went to church every single week, donated a shit load of money. I volunteered with him to do stuff for the church, etc. And I felt great about it. But when I think of it, I never really had strong feelings for the RELGION. What I did have strong feelings for, what I did believe in with all my heart, was the sense of community I had gained through the church, and the love that I had for him. But since we broke up 3 years ago, I have not set foot in a church. So, no I don’t think being religious is what gives us purpose or makes us good people.

If you wake up every day and you hate what you do, if you can’t find an ounce of goodness in it, then do something about it. Maybe not today, but set a deadline. Tell yourself you’ll give it another year there, while you search for something that perhaps will make you feel like you have more of a purpose in this life. In the end, I think it’s being selfless that makes us have a sense of purpose. But if being selfless satisfies our sense of purpose, than was it ever really selfless?

This is what I'll be thinking of on my birthday, as I gorge on my penne vodka and ice cream cake. Then again, after my third glass of wine, I probably won't give a fuck. But as of now, here’s my take on it: Do shit that you feel good about. Help people if you can. Start up something that you believe in. If you believe in what you are doing, THAT is your purpose. If you believe helping the homeless, go volunteer at a soup kitchen. If you believe in your job, if you believe it brings something positive to people, there is your purpose. If you believe in S & M, hey, maybe you can find a way to show the world the goodness it brings to people. ;)




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www.825records.com
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www.experienceregneration.com

A Nice Place to Visit

If my life was being presented as a film, I often think of the times where whoever was presenting it would pause the film, circle me with a dry erase marker and say, “See class? That’s exactly what she should NOT have done!”

We’ve all had these moments. The moments that as the words are coming out of your mouth, as your body is taking action, your brain is saying “Stop! Just stop it!” But you don’t listen. You can’t listen. Something else takes over. And I’m not talking about those I-carried-a-watermelon moments, where you are simply embarrassed, or just made a insignificant bad choice. I’m talking about those moments that change you forever. The actions that change the course of your life. The words you said that you could never take back. The words that change a relationship between you and a friend, lover, or family member. The words you want to suck up, swallow, drop in the toilet and flush away. But you can’t. The ones you replay in your mind over and over thinking “Why didn’t I just…?”, “If I had only…”

Yet, why can’t we control it when it’s happening? I guess the answer is because we are human. If we never acted on impulse, if we thought everything through and followed all the rules, would we really be living? If such events didn’t occur, the world would be pretty uncanny. Like “Brave New World” uncanny. And we all know how utopias turn out. Someone always needs to be human. Someone’s human tendencies have to break the “peace”. So then, do we not really want peace? I mean world peace, sure. But I’m talking no-challenge-everything-goes-your-way peace.

I’ll never forget the episode of The Twilight Zone (A Nice Place to Visit), where a man, Mr. Valentine, dies and he thinks he has gone to Heaven, because he gets everything he’s ever wanted. He is surrounded by beautiful women, he wins every game he plays at the casino, etc. Things all just come to him, anything he wants. After a month, he tells his “guardian angel” that he wants to go to “the other place” because he’s so bored and unhappy that he is going crazy.

"If I stay one more day, I'm going to go nuts! I don't belong in Heaven, see? I want to go to the other place!". The angel responds, "Heaven, Mr. Valentine? Whatever gave you the idea that you were in Heaven? This IS the other place!!" Hell is having no challenge, no fights, no struggles, no emotion.

So, I think about those over emotional moments in my life that were filled with struggle. Yes, I could have made choices that could have changed everything. But then I say, if I had everything I wanted, like Mr. Valentine, what reason would I have to get out of bed? How long can we agonize over those moments we so desperately wish we could change? How many ways can you play out the scenarios in your head before you go crazy? And would we really be happy if we could change those moments, or would we act on impulse in another aspect of our lives and equally live with regret? We know in our heads that we can’t have perfection, that we wouldn’t even want perfection, yet we all torture ourselves, wondering. Or maybe that’s just me. Because for me, chalking it up to fate is never good enough.

So my question is, how do we find balance? Can we struggle within peace? Find peace within struggle? Or can we only have struggle, because without it, there’s simply nothing to live for.

FRIEND or FROVE?

So you have friends, no? At least you think you do. How do we define a friend NOW-A-DAYS?(BTW that is my LEAST favorite saying in the world. WTF is now-a-days?) We all have "friends" we do certain things with. Someone you shop with, someone you go to concerts with, someone you drink with, etc. But how do you truly count your "friends"? Certainly not by the 647 friends you have on facebook, or the 289 friends in your phone contacts.

I've never had a lot of friends, and I've always been very fast to cut people out of my life who do something that, to me, makes them not a good friend. But maybe I have it all wrong. My boyfriend has TONS of "friends." He'll say, "I'm going out with my really good friend Bobby." I'm like, "WHO, who the hell is Bobby? We've been together almost a year, and I don't know this person who is your 'really good friend'? " His response is, "Babe, you need to get some friends".

I think to myself, maybe I don't want "friends". I don't want a million people I could use to hang out with. They aren't people you can open up to, or people who you can truly rely on. They are just "fun friends". Slightly more than an acquaintance. Perhaps the word "friend" is the issue. It's too comprehensive. It doesn't allow us to differentiate between facebook friends, fun friends, and true friends. So I've decided, I'm creating a word for a TRUE friend. A GREAT friend. A friend that loves you. A friend you love. A FROVE. And I'll tell you how you know if you have a true frove: when they do shit for you that they really don't want to do. I hate when people say, "I know who my friends are because they'd be there for me in a serious time of need." Yeah, well, wake up. If you were dying, if your mother was dying, if you were contemplating suicide, declaring bankruptcy, even your acquaintances would be there for you. Everyone feels bad for "someone in need" and everyone feels either good for helping, or guilty if they don't help "someone in need". Really, it's the times when you are moving, when you need someone to read a boring article you wrote, when you need a ride in the middle of the night, when you want to complain about the way you broke your nail for an hour, etc., THOSE are the times that you can really tell who is your frove. When it would be so easy to make an excuse, or not answer their phone, a frove comes through. No one WANTS to help someone move, no one WANTS to listen to your boring ass article, drive 30 min away at 3 AM to pick your ass up, or hear you complain about something so fricken futile. But your frove, your frove will do it. They do it because they love you and they do it because you'd do it for them.

So what would you rather have, 1,000 acquaintances?

100 friends?

Or 1
frove.