Your BFF Is Just Not That Into You

We all have ways to cope with romantic relationship break-ups. There are tons of books out there (i.e. He’s Just Not That Into You, It’s Called A Break-Up Because It’s Broken, It’s A Break-Up Not a Break Down, Etc.) But what about when it’s NOT your lover that breaks up with you, but rather, it’s your friend.You know, the ones that are supposed to last forever. Isn't it "Friends are forever, lovers come and go?” We never expect friendships to end, but sometimes, they do. And sometimes they are bad break-ups, worse and more hurtful than romantic ones.

One of my froves and her very close friend had a break-up last week. It really got me thinking, and remembering my worst friendship break up, which I still think about and overanalyze years later. We have all these expectations in friendships and we assume the other person understands these expectations. And when they don’t, it breaks your heart. We assume that if they have a problem, or if you don’t meet their expectations, they’ll come to you. And when they don’t, it breaks your heart. In these times when things fall apart, you hope to talk it over and work it out and sometimes you do. But what about those times that it doesn’t work out? When suddenly things are said that could never be taken back?(See A Nice Place to Visit Entry) You'll never feel the same about them, and they about you.

I was broken up with by my BFF almost 3 years ago. Before the break-up happened, I felt that things were different. We were both going through some changes in our lives and perhaps that is what put the wedge there. But suddenly, my BFF didn’t want to be my friend anymore. And she was an amazing friend. The best. There was nothing she wouldn’t do for me or me for her. She was everything you could ask for in a friend and then some. I never in my life imagined us not being friends. But after a while of feeling the distance, I confronted her (through an email which I regret not talking face to face) and the response was more or less that she thought I had changed and that she couldn’t ignore some of the changes.

Whatever those changes were I would have done anything to take them back. I would have turned back time to make it right. And it was worse than a romantic break-up. When I went through my horrible romantic break-up, SHE was the one I could cry to and be comforted by. But you can’t cry to your BFF about HER, especially when your BFF doesn’t even want to be your F.

I know I’ve made mistakes, maybe I’m too judgmental, too protective, maybe I don’t know how to lay off with certain subjects and for that I was sorrier that she’ll ever know. Maybe after having my heart pureed and ingested by my ex-boyfriend, I did adopt an attitude I hadn’t had in the past. But my feelings for her never changed. There is a whole there that will never be replaced and there is rarely a day where I don’t think about her and our break-up and wish we were back together.

So ultimately I think there are two questions here. One is, can these break-ups be avoided? If you are that close with someone, shouldn’t you try everything to make it right? I think the key is catching it BEFORE it turns into a break-up. I wish my ex-BFF would have told me the way she was feeling right away, before she started avoiding me and acting distant. Maybe then we could have talked through it and fixed it. But it got to the point where it turned into a “confrontation” and that rarely works out for the relationship. Which leads me to question number two: After a confrontation such as ours, could you ever be friends again?

My frove and her friend’s break-up (the catalyst for this entire entry) might have also been avoided if things were talked about earlier and if things had been said in a different manner. But I don’t believe they will ever be able to work it out after the things that were said. Maybe I’m wrong. Who knows.

Regardless, I urge you, if you have a true frove, “BFF”, or whatever you call them, and you aren’t feeling the same about the friendship, TALK to them. Talk to them NICELY. Try to preserve the friendship because true friendships don’t come along very often and that’s why when it’s over it leaves you in pieces.