Your BFF Is Just Not That Into You

We all have ways to cope with romantic relationship break-ups. There are tons of books out there (i.e. He’s Just Not That Into You, It’s Called A Break-Up Because It’s Broken, It’s A Break-Up Not a Break Down, Etc.) But what about when it’s NOT your lover that breaks up with you, but rather, it’s your friend.You know, the ones that are supposed to last forever. Isn't it "Friends are forever, lovers come and go?” We never expect friendships to end, but sometimes, they do. And sometimes they are bad break-ups, worse and more hurtful than romantic ones.

One of my froves and her very close friend had a break-up last week. It really got me thinking, and remembering my worst friendship break up, which I still think about and overanalyze years later. We have all these expectations in friendships and we assume the other person understands these expectations. And when they don’t, it breaks your heart. We assume that if they have a problem, or if you don’t meet their expectations, they’ll come to you. And when they don’t, it breaks your heart. In these times when things fall apart, you hope to talk it over and work it out and sometimes you do. But what about those times that it doesn’t work out? When suddenly things are said that could never be taken back?(See A Nice Place to Visit Entry) You'll never feel the same about them, and they about you.

I was broken up with by my BFF almost 3 years ago. Before the break-up happened, I felt that things were different. We were both going through some changes in our lives and perhaps that is what put the wedge there. But suddenly, my BFF didn’t want to be my friend anymore. And she was an amazing friend. The best. There was nothing she wouldn’t do for me or me for her. She was everything you could ask for in a friend and then some. I never in my life imagined us not being friends. But after a while of feeling the distance, I confronted her (through an email which I regret not talking face to face) and the response was more or less that she thought I had changed and that she couldn’t ignore some of the changes.

Whatever those changes were I would have done anything to take them back. I would have turned back time to make it right. And it was worse than a romantic break-up. When I went through my horrible romantic break-up, SHE was the one I could cry to and be comforted by. But you can’t cry to your BFF about HER, especially when your BFF doesn’t even want to be your F.

I know I’ve made mistakes, maybe I’m too judgmental, too protective, maybe I don’t know how to lay off with certain subjects and for that I was sorrier that she’ll ever know. Maybe after having my heart pureed and ingested by my ex-boyfriend, I did adopt an attitude I hadn’t had in the past. But my feelings for her never changed. There is a whole there that will never be replaced and there is rarely a day where I don’t think about her and our break-up and wish we were back together.

So ultimately I think there are two questions here. One is, can these break-ups be avoided? If you are that close with someone, shouldn’t you try everything to make it right? I think the key is catching it BEFORE it turns into a break-up. I wish my ex-BFF would have told me the way she was feeling right away, before she started avoiding me and acting distant. Maybe then we could have talked through it and fixed it. But it got to the point where it turned into a “confrontation” and that rarely works out for the relationship. Which leads me to question number two: After a confrontation such as ours, could you ever be friends again?

My frove and her friend’s break-up (the catalyst for this entire entry) might have also been avoided if things were talked about earlier and if things had been said in a different manner. But I don’t believe they will ever be able to work it out after the things that were said. Maybe I’m wrong. Who knows.

Regardless, I urge you, if you have a true frove, “BFF”, or whatever you call them, and you aren’t feeling the same about the friendship, TALK to them. Talk to them NICELY. Try to preserve the friendship because true friendships don’t come along very often and that’s why when it’s over it leaves you in pieces.

Penne Vodka & Ice Cream Cake

As my birthday approaches, I ask myself, what is it that I want this year? My last three birthdays have been beyond horrible. Apparently, the time for ending relationships is exactly on my birthday. So this year, all I'd like is a good dinner, a tasty dessert and being around my froves. But what do we all really crave on our birthdays? We all start thinking about the years and wondering what it is exactly that we have to show for them. It'd be awesome if I woke up and on my pillow was a perfectly wrapped box with a big purple bow that contained the purpose for my life inside. "Thank you God, that's exactly what I wanted!"

So, what is my purpose? Yea, yea, I make a decent living. I bring yoga and pilates to people, I work for an amazing doctor, I have a great family, good froves. I have my MFA in creative writing, I wrote a novel, I'm in two bands, I'm learning Polish, my music single is about to be released (shameless plug www.facebook.com/tonirosemusic) but why is it that NONE of that makes me feel like I have purpose? If I died tomorrow, would any of this matter? So I pray for my single to hit #1, my book to become published. But then I wonder, is that really going to bring me the sense of purpose that I desire? If I had a #1 single, would I suddenly have purpose in my life? People all over America singing my tune, and suddenly, I matter. I don’t think it works that way.

What is it then that really gives us purpose? Love? Family? I have no husband, no children. Everyone around me is married, having babies, buying homes, etc. I feel like they have purpose. But then today, my friend posted on facebook that being married and having a house doesn’t give her INDIVIDUAL purpose. And I realized; she’s right. For some, children might bring you purpose, but what if you don’t have or don’t want children? Even if you do, what about what you do YOURSELF, not who you love or who you take care of, but what YOU bring to the WORLD. Not all of us can change the universe; but what can we do to make ourselves feel like better people?

Most of the people I know who do feel like they have a sense of purpose, are very religious. They do volunteer work, donate money, etc. But does that give them purpose or are they really just trying to make up for something else? When I was with my ex-boyfriend, I went to church every single week, donated a shit load of money. I volunteered with him to do stuff for the church, etc. And I felt great about it. But when I think of it, I never really had strong feelings for the RELGION. What I did have strong feelings for, what I did believe in with all my heart, was the sense of community I had gained through the church, and the love that I had for him. But since we broke up 3 years ago, I have not set foot in a church. So, no I don’t think being religious is what gives us purpose or makes us good people.

If you wake up every day and you hate what you do, if you can’t find an ounce of goodness in it, then do something about it. Maybe not today, but set a deadline. Tell yourself you’ll give it another year there, while you search for something that perhaps will make you feel like you have more of a purpose in this life. In the end, I think it’s being selfless that makes us have a sense of purpose. But if being selfless satisfies our sense of purpose, than was it ever really selfless?

This is what I'll be thinking of on my birthday, as I gorge on my penne vodka and ice cream cake. Then again, after my third glass of wine, I probably won't give a fuck. But as of now, here’s my take on it: Do shit that you feel good about. Help people if you can. Start up something that you believe in. If you believe in what you are doing, THAT is your purpose. If you believe helping the homeless, go volunteer at a soup kitchen. If you believe in your job, if you believe it brings something positive to people, there is your purpose. If you believe in S & M, hey, maybe you can find a way to show the world the goodness it brings to people. ;)




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